Welcome to my blog. My oldest and dearest school friends sent me ‘Ask me His Name’ by Elle Wright. I read all 312 pages in one afternoon. Elle started a blog 8 months after losing her baby son Teddy. She wanted to reach an audience who hadn’t experienced baby loss before. Now so do I. Because sadly, most of us will only reach for baby loss information when we HAVE TO.

 

It’s important that we all talk about and understand stillbirth so people know how they might approach it and can contribute to its prevention. If you are experiencing a similar trauma, I hope I can help you feel less alone. Stillbirth shouldn’t be a dirty secret. 

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After sailing through pregnancy and visiting my midwife at 40 weeks to hear again that the baby and I were doing well, at 40 weeks and one day, after feeling a lack of movement, we went to the hospital and our world was crushed when we found out our baby had died. Two days later on 15th Feb 2020, and after a short (but traumatic) labour (which I will surely write about) I gave birth. We found out I had been carrying a beautiful baby girl. We named her Yaeli. We chose this name after watching ‘When Heroes Fly’. Our favourite girl’s name and now apt in that one of its meanings is ‘to ascend.’

 

Yaeli was truly beautiful, with red lips and a nose just like mine and with cute little ears like my huband Bens’. Over the next two days in the hospital, cocooned in our little bubble that was the ‘butterfly room’, we held her, I changed her and sang to her; we introduced her to close family and we read her a story. These are memories I will forever cherish.

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Reading Elle Wright’s book has inspired me to share my stories and thoughts and to raise awareness of stillbirth; connect with and support other Mummies who may have experienced something similar and ensure that other mothers push for the best care possible when they are pregnant. This is how I CAN be Mummy to Yaeli.

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As Elle Wright puts so succinctly, baby loss makes people and society feel awkward. It’s not the natural way of things. But if someone tells you they have had a Stillbirth or lost a child, know that it’s ok to ask questions, to talk about it - rather than simply say sorry awkwardly and move on. Yaeli existed, she kicked and tumbled in her home. Her birth and death are registered. She was buried in a small coffin and, in it, she was surrounded by love and presents from mummy and daddy. Family and friends wrapped Yaeli in love at her funeral. Yaeli's grave in a woodland garden will hopefully soon be full of flowers and beauty as she so deserves. Yaeli will always be a part of our family and this shouldn’t be erased because of society’s awkwardness.

 

I hope in the months ahead you'll join me on my journey as Mummy to an Angel. I'm moving forward, not moving on.

 

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