This is me. Here we go again.

Being on maternity leave with my sweet and funny little mate Liora - I have absolutely loved these last few months. OFF the journey to completing my family.

No worrying about trying to conceive. No sadness on getting a period. No worrying about having a miscarriage. No fear of not feeling movements. And spending time with the best baby in THIS world.

I’ve always known that I would like at least two children at home; ideally I would have liked three. So it was only a matter of time until the idea of trying to conceive was back on my mind.

Our consultant's voice has been ringing in my ears ever since Liora was born. In the hospital, she asked when I might start to try for another baby. I said I wanted to wait at least a year. I wanted to enjoy Liora. I didn't want to face the gruelling pregnancy journey any time soon.

And had I been younger, I would have wanted to wait at least two years.

She said, ‘I wouldn't wait that long. Maybe nine months. You don't know how long it might take to conceive and with your history, the risks are likely to increase'.

Great. Thanks.

So we started trying as soon as I felt a tiny bit able to – last month, when Liora was 11 months. I wasn’t really ready for a pregnancy, but I thought, well... it would be at least three months before a positive test - the usual. Or much longer - as with Yaeli.

But on Thursday 14th July 2022 I found out I was pregnant. The first month.

The fourth time I have seen those words. Pregnant.

I was freaking out. I want another baby at home so much, but I was dreading the process.

I had a counselling session last week and I said.’ I can’t believe it would be that easy. Pregnant after the first month and I could go to term? I would feel guilty if it were that easy’. It feels like it always has to be hard for me.

………………………………………

On Saturday 23rd July 2022, my baby Liora turned one!

Ben and I had a wedding to go to and had planned to leave Liora with my parents so we could get drunk together. We'd been talking about it for a year!

But as I could no longer drink, and felt increasingly guilty about leaving 'our light' on her birthday, we decided to take Liora to the wedding!

I had been in touch with UCLH and had been advised to start taking heparin injections and aspirin. Three days later, on the Friday before Liora's birthday and the wedding, I started spotting. I had the same with Liora after starting the aspirin and heparin injections, so I tried to stay calm. The spotting continued.

The anxiety increased and continued through the wedding - spoiling my long awaited care free day! (Although it was a beautiful wedding and, in between the worry, I managed to have a good boogie).

And on Sunday afternoon, after a lovely morning swim and breakfast in the wedding hotel, we ended up sitting in Barnet A&E, trying to get a test of my HCG levels. This would have indicated whether my hormone levels were suggesting a miscarriage or not.

But after an hour we found out that to get the blood test result we'd have to sit there for five more hours. It was scorching. We needed to put Liora to bed. So I left, with a bruise on my arm.

The bleeding subsidised that evening. But on Monday morning it was heavy.

.........................................................

I've just had my fourth pregnancy.

My second miscarriage.

This time, at six weeks.

Although I was scared of being pregnant, now that I'm miscarrying... all I want is to be pregnant. Even though I hate being pregnant.

I'm just so tired. Already. Again. Tired.

Grief on grief.

I’m not just writing this blog to whinge. Although sometimes I feel like I must have done something in a past life to make creating & completing my family so difficult.

Where's my punch bag at?

I feel a certain compulsion to write. A solidarity with all the women warriors of the world.

I always say (because I feel it) that I have two children. One just isn't here with me in THIS world.

But with this current loss, it's left me feeling like I have so many babies.

Yaeli (Feb 2020)

baby dust (July 2020)

Liora (July 2021)

baby dust (July 2022)

I am blessed. I know it. I know that without Liora here, everything would be so much worse. I have the most beautiful baby in this world at home with me. Liora is amazing. A dream baby. She has such a calm and happy nature; she's so easy to take along anywhere. She's my best mate. I feel so much sadness for every woman who is yet to experience it.

I have joy in every day. But I also have immeasurable sadness. And the two sit side by side. Having Liora doesn't mean I do not desire another child at home, anymore than the next person who wants more than one child at home.

Sometimes people say to me 'but at least you have Liora’ or 'try to focus on Liora'. It’s human nature to try to find a positive when someone is hurting - to make it better. So perhaps by saying this, they are trying to find the positive in the pain that I feel.

And they are right, I am blessed with a beautiful family. However, sometimes it’s feels like they are suggesting that because I lost Yaeli through stillbirth and had that first miscarriage - but I have Liora, I should feel satisfied. I shouldn't desire any more children at home.

I am not finding fault or complaining – but I am simply wondering - do people think this or say this to people who haven't lost any children?

And although I have already been dealt far worse, my experience of stillbirth doesn't mean that another early loss doesn't hurt.

I am lucky again - It’s an early loss.

But it's a LOSS. I'm almost certain I passed an embryo. Yes, it looked like a tiny forming baby.

It's gross. And sad. But it's true.

It's ok to be honest. It’s ok to say that it hurts. And I’m so tired.

……………………………………

I didn't want anyone to know I was pregnant. ONLY because I can't stand the 'congratulations' the 'excitement' in people's voices. The 'when are you due'.

Point proven. I'm not.

I don't know how long I can keep doing this. How much loss can I take?

But I have to hope. There's still no pattern - I am older now so the risk of miscarriage is increased. It's common.

And right now my desire to have another baby at home is stronger than my desire for a trauma free life.

So bring it on.

Bring on my wonderful Liora's birthday celebrations. Bring it all on.

I'm soon to have a psychiatric assessment to assess the damage that losing Yaeli has had on me - to submit for the legal case against the Royal Free Hospital Trust. Its good timing I think. Fresh in my mind is how bloody (excuse the pun) hard this journey is.

Had Yaeli been saved, I believe I would almost certainly have my two children at home. I don't believe I would have just suffered a second miscarriage.

But we are where we are. And I'm trying to hang on in there.

It is true that Liora is the thing that 'lightens' every single day. My absolute love in this world. But the struggle continues. The ongoing sadness sits alongside me every day.

Love,

Mummytoanangel Yaeli and Liora

(& two baby dusts)

xXx