This is Me. Acceptance and Gratitude.

I should know enough about loss to realize that you never really stop missing someone–you just learn to live around the huge gaping hole of their absence. -Alyson Noel

Is this Acceptance?

Today, as the snow fell I felt the huge gaping hole of Yaeli’s absence. She might even have been walking now, certainly crawling. I would have loved to taken her out in the snow all wrapped up. I’m sure she would have giggled. And I had a cry about it. Ben said he thought about it too. But then I got up and vowed to make a snow man for Yaeli and for my nieces in Israel. (It actually ended up being a snow woman with nipples – the feminist in me was like, why are they always men?)

In my last blog, I was really struggling with acceptance wasn’t I. Looking back I am already in a different place again. It’s one of the reasons I think writing or blogging over time is really helpful. Not only does it offer an outlet for all the thoughts in the mind, but it also allows a person to see their progress over time. I hope my blogging helps others, maybe at the beginning of what feels like a hopeless journey, to see that time is a ‘manager’.

I feel as though November was a turning point. There have been challenges as always, most notably Christmas, but I think I am finally learning to live with loss.

I didn't include Yaeli in our nightly Chanukah celebrations in December because Ben and I started a new tradition. Going back to my own childhood, I felt I wanted something to look forward to. So we bought each other a gift for each night to open.

But Christmas day, although not something we celebrate religiously, was really tough, returning to the place where last year Yaeli was with me physically. I felt a huge hole and had a very very big cry. But it was also nice to play games, see the calming sea and cuddle my mother in law’s doggie Ollie.

I thought a lot about how to acknowledge Yaeli at Christmas. Some people buy their children gifts or put decorations on the tree for them. Yaeli isn't here physically, so that didn’t feel right for me, so I lit a candle.

My baby may not be here, but they will always be a part of me. In my heart. In my soul. In my mind. And everywhere I go. –Yvette Mystakas

Recently, someone wrote on Tommy's facebook loss community group that when she sent a Christmas card to friends and signed it from herself, her husband and the baby they lost, her friend responded saying that her husband was confused and couldn't understand why they had included their baby's name in the card.

I was astonished by this.

I was astonished that not only they couldn't understand this woman's desire to sign a card with her child's name, but why they would openly question why their friend did this. The lady was beyond upset.

Her child has died. But she is still her child.

When our children are acknowledged and remembered, it's important to us.

It doesn't make us sad. We already feel sad that they are not here. It makes us feel happy to know that they are remembered. As part of our family. Forever.

I don't sign cards with Yaeli's full name but I include a circle with a Y inside.

As we’ve gone into national lockdown again, over the last few weeks, I’ve also contemplated that I feel more gratitude than ever before. I know it’s a cliché but losing someone really does put life in perspective.

Covid is awful. Lockdown is boring. But for me, being in lockdown has never felt like a big deal. I don’ know if that’s because I am still feeling like an antisocial hermit after losing Yaeli or whether it’s simply because I appreciate the simple life. I have Ben. We both have jobs, a nice roof over our head and our families are still healthy. I go walking, I do yoga and I watch Netflix. I feel so thankful that Ben amd I have stable jobs, our health and each other, whilst so many people are struggling to keep their jobs and their businesses.

For many people I understand Covid is a horrific challenge. Struggling with mental health issues, isolation, losing jobs, struggling to feed families, experiencing domestic violence…they have every right to feel desperate.

I also understand it’s challenging to juggle it all with children at home, trying to work and home school.

But what does baffle me is the overreaction from the current restrictions from some people who, frankly, have little reason to complain. If you are living in a happy couple or family and are not socially isolated. If you can put food on the table and if you and your family have their health… is it really so bad?

I like to look at squirrels running up trees. I like to step on brown crunchy leaves. I love to laugh at my husband's flatulence.

Who knew Pitbull and Ne-Yo could be so profound in saying…

This for everybody going through tough times Believe me, been there, done that But every day above ground is a great day, remember that!

Hold those you love close. Practice gratitude.

Yaeli 15.02.20