This is me. What does giving up mean?

Sept 2023.

It's been over a year since I wrote my last blog in July 2022 about recurrent miscarriage. 

Liora is now a wonderful, happy and hilarious two year old. She makes me smile and laugh every day. She honestly is the reason I am still alive. I think had I not brought her home, I may have ended it all. Or maybe I would be here, but always desperately sad. And this is despite being grateful for Ben and my wonderful family. 

I cannot imagine a life in which I didn't have such a blessing. And I know I am lucky. There may be someone reading this who, like me, desperately wanted a child at home and wasn't fortunate. And they may not like that I talk about suffering. 

However, having Liora doesn't stop me wanting to bring another child home. In fact, because I love every moment, every development milestone, even every tantrum (when it makes me laugh). Liora makes me want to experience it again all the more. And losing Yaeli, which was preventable, always leaves me feeling our family at home is not complete. 

Now, I just couldn't make this shit up. 

Since June 2022, I've had four consecutive miscarriages.

After that first one in July 2022, I’ve had a further three early miscarriages. . 

Today I have arrived at the Gynecology Emergency care at St Mary's to confirm my suspicions of a fifth. (Six in total - as there was one between Yaeli and Liora).

To be honest I am in disbelief. I've had several tests over the last year which tell me that there is no visible issue.

And I always thought IVF was our certain back up plan. But the big blow was being told that the level of AMH in my blood indicates low egg reserves. So despite repeatedly getting pregnant, the changes of extracting more than one or two eggs to harvest would be slim. 

Two eminent hospital departments have confirmed that IVF is not a good option. 

I have come to the conclusion that it's the quality of my eggs. My miscarriages are probably due to chromosomal abnormalities. I am 40, so of course I am likely to have fewer good eggs. But many women well into their 40's manage a healthy pregnancy. 

Not one good egg since producing two perfect babies. I am in disbelief. 

So when is time to say enough is enough? Had I experienced this prior to having Liora, I would 100% have given up. I am sure of that. But because I have produced two perfect babies prior, it's tough. It feels like surely it MUST be possible again. 

I have this overwhelming desire to just understand what it is that is causing my secondary infertility.

And what does giving up look like? 

By the end of next year I will have to let it go. For my sanity. But what does that mean?

Does it mean if I get pregnant I pretend not to know? I don't take my heparin injections, progesterone and aspirin? Does it mean we use protection? How could I actively prevent pregnancy?

I will need to come to terms with these questions if need be and have a whole lot of counseling to come to terms with it. But for now, I keep trying

Sometimes I think I am mad. But when the worst you have experienced is giving birth to a dead baby, it's quite difficult to say I can't handle another early miscarriage. 

In April 2023, it was the first time since Liora that I seemingly got past 6 weeks pregnant. I knew missed miscarriage was a thing, but I felt like all my miscarriages be the same. Spontaneous around 6 weeks. So at 7.5 we had some hope.

But at the early scan (after waiting 3-4 hours surrounded by crying women) we were told there had been no growth since 5.5 weeks,

I was devastated. 

And then I tried to get a D&C procedure as I couldn't bear the thought of having a later miscarriage without medical intervention.

UCLH could only book inthe D&C for 10 days later.

Seven or eight days later I started bleeding and 9 days later I ended up in A&E - two days before my 40th birthday - thinking there was something really abnormal going on.

The blood loss was epic. I was scared.

Yet I sat in A&E for 6 hours and with no medical intervention. I waited nearly 24 hours for a scan, at which point the miscarriage was complete.

Needless to say this time I will do anything to avoid that. 

We went to Lanzarote straight afterwards with Liora, which was lovely. But in truth my 40th birthday was a washout in terms of my emotional health

I am sitting here waiting for confirmation of my fifth consecutive loss, with a specified appointment time of 11am. It's now 12.45. I am next in queue. This time I am happy to be scanned on my own. My first time since Yaeli. But I am confident because I know the outcome and I just want it over with. We were due to fly to Spain later this afternoon. But this has fucked that up too.

I am still in the middle of a legal case regarding Yaeli. My poor luck meant that both expert witnesses failed to give evidence - over a whole year - so we have had to instruct two more. The lawyer has told me she still firmly believes in the case. It is a petrifying wait. 

And like many others, my experience of the NHS of late had been terrible. In particular, care in early pregnancy is just terrible. I get it. You can't stop a pregnant woman miscarrying. But the waiting time and lack of privacy to be upset, coupled with shocking waiting times for medical procedures make the whole thing more traumatic. 

…………

So?   I just came out of the appointment.

But It was unclear. 

The embryo was the right size. There was some blood around the embryo (a chorionic haematoma), which she she said can be normal, but does increase the chances of miscarriage. 

She said the cramps could be the uterus trying to expel the blood. 

She couldn't tell whether there was a heartbeat or not but she said that's normal too at 6+1.

I asked if she was like 80% 20% on the side of miscarriage. But she said more like 50/50. So I had to start back on medication and go back next Friday.

 She said it's probably not worth using the pregnancy tests as a marker of static or rising HCG now that she has seen a scan. But I know doing so may help me not to get my hopes up.

I was so ready for the bad news. And then I had to come to terms with a other week of uncertainty. Knowing I should not get my hopes up but not being able to help it. Knowing I would need Ben to come with me to the next scan. 

And so the week was long. Nerve-wracking. 

Trying not to think to the future. Being so unbelievably tired but not trusting that's because everything was ok. The pregnancy test did say 3+ weeks from conception…

So here I am. Back in the waiting room. With Ben….

There was a heartbeat 💓 💓 💓 💓 💓 

No more words except wow. Petrified.