This is me. Learning to live with Regret.

The difference between Guilt and Regret.

This post is dedicated to Tam and her forever baby Theo.

THAT Thursday morning; 13th February; when I woke and went to the bathroom, I felt a strange pain down my right side and I remember being a bit concerned about it. But who knows what it was and whether it had anything to do with Yaeli leaving this world. I went out to collect some new glasses I had ordered from Specsavers. I remember laughing on the phone as I told my dad I was just ‘waddling’ down the high street. I went over to Mum and Dad's flat for a cup of tea. At around 2pm I did say to them that I couldn’t remember if I had felt the baby moving that day but the movements were always stronger each evening. I felt tired and I was simply focused on when I was going to go into labour. I didn't want to be induced (Now, how I wish I had been ). I went home and had a nap. I do remember then thinking it was strange that I couldn’t feel anything as I lay down. Usually I would feel movement if I was laying down. I had dinner and it was only then I got extremely worried. The baby always kicked when I ate. After dinner we tried everything to ‘wake’ the baby; cold water fruits and pic 'n' mix. Once we’d done that, I was in tears. Ben tried to reassure me and I hoped the baby just wasn’t feeling well and maybe I’d have a caesarean. I didn’t take my birthing bag.

After arriving at the hospital, the first midwife tried to find a heartbeat using a simple Doppler. The second midwife scanned my stomach. Although it needed confirmation from the senior consultant, I knew when I saw the realisation in Ben’s face as he looked at the screen; the colour drained from his face. During scans, he had always been the one who could actually see and hear the heartbeat in the middle of the screen.

Now there was a loud silence. No heartbeat. I felt a rush of love for Ben and as I realised what this meant, I let out a type of primeval, earthy scream that we will never forget. Ben's face and that scream often haunt me at night.

Often since that Thursday, I’ve been racked with guilt. I felt so very stupid and guilty about not realising I should have gone to the hospital when I was at mum and dads. Why did I go home and go for a nap? But it made me feel sad when my mum said she feels it too. She didn’t tell me to go to the hospital either. But why would she? The truth is it takes less than a second for a heart to stop beating. The chances that I could have got to the hospital to stop Yaeli leaving us are almost none. I think she was gone already.

I do rack my brains though and wonder if I felt a slow down of movement the previous two weeks. I’m afraid to admit that I said at least once (maybe twice I don’t know) in those weeks that the baby had moved less that day. But she always danced so much at night and I always felt her every day. I never really worried. I was told all the time that everything was fine with my urine, my blood pressure, the heart beat; everything. Maybe I was duped by the myth that babies move less at the end of a pregnancy when they get bigger. I never checked Tommy’s. That was a place I’d heard of but it was just for people who’d had issues with pregnancy. I had gone to the hospital one evening in week 23 because I thought the movements had slowed down but after that I never experienced a day where I was really worried. Until that Thursday.

Tam is a part of my amazing warrior women whatsapp group. She informed us that she had struggled with guilt for about two months after she lost her son Theo at 20 weeks on the 31st January 2020. Clearly a wise lady, Tam’s mum said to her that guilt is something you have when you know you have done something wrong. So Tam said, what some us ladies feel is actually regret. Regret is something you can only have when you have hindsight. Tam said she regretted carrying her toddler so much during her pregnancy and exhausting herself. She feels that perhaps she should have called the midwife to check things even more, but it probably wouldn’t have made a difference. But Tam said she would never have regretted anything if the pregnancy had gone to plan like the first one did i.e. without hindsight.

If you too, are a warrior woman and you feel regret, I hope these wise words comfort you. Thank you Tam for sharing with us and allowing me to share further. x

I will always feel a sense of regret. Could I have stopped it? I don’t know, probably not. If I was talking to someone else I would say there’s no point in tormenting yourself. Even the morning before I found out Yaeli had died; I was being told the babies’ heartbeat was healthy. Perhaps they would have told me the same thing had I gone into the hospital at any point during those previous two weeks. Sadly, we’ll never know.

I know that if there was any slow down of movement, it wasn’t obvious. Not obvious like it felt to me that day in week 23. Not many people get to the very end of a pregnancy and experience a stillbirth and I don’t wish to scare you. However to those who are nearing the end of a pregnancy I would say it’s important to continue to try to notice if there are any subtle changes. Have a look at Tommy’s.

If you know someone who is pregnant, encourage them to take a look at information on baby movements. I would hate to think I am encouraging anyone to live with fear. But I hope I can help people to feel more informed. Whilst we have no choice but to listen to our care professionals, we can question. With hindsight I was naïve.

As a ‘low risk’ pregnant mother, I have some strong feelings about the quality of my care. Coming soon, I hope further thoughts on that will help other pregnant ladies to be more assertive during their pregnancies.