This is Me. More than words.

25th June 2020 was our 3rd Wedding Anniversary. It was the first time since Yaeli’s death that I actually felt some happiness for more than a few moments. I had wondered if I could enjoy it. Because of course I had hoped by our third wedding anniversary we would have a baby at home. But I managed to flip my thinking on its head. If Yaeli was here, we would have asked someone to look after her for a couple of hours so we could go for a picnic; which is what we did to celebrate. I was actually able to celebrate the love that Ben and I have for each other. Ben announced that, because there is now no chance of running the London Marathon this year or next, he is going to run the Richmond Marathon on 13th September 2020. We sat talking excitedly about the charities we would raise money for.

At the end of the evening I told Ben I was worried that I would wake the next day and feel ‘bad’ again; as this is what has happened previously following ‘a better day’. The next morning I woke up ‘ok’ I went to check out which charity had provided us with our memory box, given to us in the hospital. I want to ensure we raise money to enable more families to have these boxes in their darkest hours. The box was from 4Louis. The memory boxes they gift enable parents and families to create and keep memories of their baby. Our memory box had two teddies and two angels in it, one of each of these we buried with Yaeli. There were some other lovely bits in there including the book we read to Yaeli in the hospital, some forget me not plant seeds and a candle. We have planted the seeds in our ‘Yaeli’ pot in the garden. The box also contains a frame for a clay footprint cast and photo. Yaeli’s footprints were stamped onto the clay in the hospital. It’s such a small but generous act; giving us a few tangible things of Yaeli. Our 4Louis box has photos in that the midwife took for us and the blanket Yaeli was wrapped in. As I opened the frame that morning though, I found that the clay had very badly cracked, probably from expansion due to the recent heat. I found myself devastated all through counselling and the rest of the day.

I mentioned in a previous blog that two ladies at a company called Cast, Create and Cherish have also gifted us a 3D cast of Yaeli’s hand and foot. I needed to find out how we could raise money for this cause too. I asked if they had a charity arm. They do not. But they advised me that we can raise funds for the Royal Free Charity and restrict the funds we raise so they are spent on Stillbirth causes. Our wonderful bereavement midwife has been arranging blood tests for me at home, delivering the casts to our home, answering my questions and so much more. By raising funds for the Royal Free Charity we would be able to make sure funds are used to support her in her role, where statutory funding would not cover it – and this includes her asking Cast Create and Cherish to create beautiful 3D casts for other bereaved parents in future.

I contacted the Royal Free Charity and chatted to a lovely lady there about raising funds for them. Later on that day I emailed her to ask if she knew how I might be able to fix the clay footprints. I then got an email from the lovely ladies at Cast Create and Cherish who thought there was a problem with their 3D casts – a right mix up. However, when I explained it’s an issue with the other casts, they immediately offered to take a look at it and help if they can.

They really are wonderful.

Alternatives Watford is a charity that offers emotional and practical support for anyone facing pregnancy-related challenges. They offer counselling to those facing stillbirth, miscarriage, infertility, traumatic births, postnatal depression antenatal anxiety and depression, unplanned pregnancy and abortion. They also have shops which provide affordable maternity and baby clothing equipment and items.

Before lockdown I started counselling in person at Alternatives. It was extremely difficult to walk through the charity shop and into the counselling room. But at the same time, it made me approach the fact that there are babies everywhere. I can’t escape it. I am now continuing counselling on Zoom. It was so useful that they were immediately flexible in their approach to delivering counselling. Ben decided a bit later on than me that he would also benefit from some counselling support. He has also started receiving support from a different counsellor at Alternatives.

For me, the fact that my counsellor has experience of supporting parents who have experienced baby loss is so beneficial. I’ve had counselling previously for general anxiety and depression. But this is different. Not only does she listen, she offers practical advice about how I might cope with particular upcoming situations. She also makes me feel sane and normalises some of my most uncomfortable feelings, helping me to realise what is actually ‘me’ and what is just grief.

Sands (Stillbirth and neonatal death charity) exist to support anyone affected by the death of a baby, to improve the bereavement care received by parents and families, and to promote research to reduce the number of babies dying. They provide a helpline, a bereavement support book and app, local bereavement support groups, an online community and memory boxes. In the hospital, before I gave birth to Yaeli, we were offered the Sands bereavement book. We were told that it would be an upsetting read and we needn’t read much of it. But we were pointed to the parts about post mortems so we could start to think about our wishes. We also read about ‘having a funeral for your baby’ and started to consider this. The book and app is also available online and includes sections for friends and family, returning to work, considering another pregnancy and more.

The day before Yaeli’s funeral I wondered how on earth I would get through the next day. I needed to talk to someone who might understand so I called the Sands helpline. I sat holding on to Ben for dear life. The lady I spoke to was perfectly happy to wait until I had composed myself sufficiently to speak. I told her I was petrified and I just didn’t know how I was going to get through it. She just listened and was empathetic. I asked her if she had experienced baby loss and it was at this point she told me that all of the volunteers on the helpline have a connection to baby loss. One of the volunteers is a father. I asked her if she would mind talking about her experience and whether she had a funeral for her baby. She was happy to talk about that too. I was really touched that she was happy to share it with me. She was still standing.

That conversation reassured me that I would get through it. I didn’t know how. But I would.

The Sands online forum is also a safe space to talk to others. There is a lot of love and comfort out there. However it is moderated and doesn’t allow for instant messaging. I really wanted something more. Ben and I didn’t feel that the local groups were really for us. But after reading Elle’s Blog and hearing she had a whatsapp group I went onto Sands online community group to see what I could find. I was just so lucky that someone had asked for friends. From there I had my whatsapp group. My lifeline.

This week we had a meeting with our consultant back at the hospital about our post mortem results. It was extremely difficult to make that drive to the hospital for the first time since giving birth, with all the memories flooding back. I was so nervous about the meeting, even though there was absolutely no reason to be. The consultant was great though, a lovely man. He said whilst the post mortem didn’t say Yaeli was growth restricted, he believes she was. And he is pretty convinced that Yaeli died because of a inflammation of the Placenta – and there is 10-15% chance that the condition will occur again. It doesn’t cause still birth because many women with the condition will go to have healthy babies. But it is associated with small babies and still birth.

I’ve asked my myriad of questions about what a plan for a future pregnancy might look like and I’m feeling more confident about it. It’s not possible to scan a placenta and instead, in a future pregnancy, regular scans for foetal growth with be used as a proxy measure for whether growth appears to be on track. I’ve recently learned that Tommy’s has a Placenta Clinic in Manchester; so if and when I’m pregnant, I will ask the future hospital team about whether it would be of benefit for me to visit.

Tommy’s fund research into miscarriage, stillbirth and premature birth, and provide pregnancy health information to parents. In a previous blog, you’ve heard about the wonderful phone call I had where I found out more about their research and information for parents. I was chuffed that the Chief Executive of the largest charity funding research into stillbirth and miscarriage took the time to talk to me for so long. I know from working within and also with large national charities, that Chief Executive’s don’t always do this. Tommy’s Face book Support Group is also a wonderful and safe space for women and men to share their stories and ask for advice. It takes a day for a post to be moderated, but you can bet there will be many responses filled with warmth and love, from those who have only just lost a baby as well as those who are so much further on their journeys.

And so to action.

Ben, my gorgeous, courageous and very FIT husband is going to run the Richmond Marathon. It’s his turn (I’ve had my time. I ran the London Marathon in 2015 – wow it hurt so much; maybe even more than childbirth. Actually no, who am I kidding!!!)

We both want to raise as much money as possible for these five wonderful causes;

‘ Tommy’s

‘ Alternatives

‘ Royal Free Charity

‘ 4 Louis

‘ Sands

We want to give back and help others to have the same level of after care support that we have had. We want to help fund research that will hopefully prevent more parents suffering the worst heartbreak.

To will run 26 miles. Because he can. Because Yaeli Can’t. But in her name HE WILL.

We know the Corona virus is affecting people’s livelihoods right now and it might be difficult for some people to donate a lot of money. But even if you can spare a pound or two or five, it would mean so much to us. More importantly it will mean the world to so many other parents and families now and in the future.

To hear from Ben and to sponsor him to take on this mammoth task, training in just 10 weeks please go to;

https://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/BenjaminMeyer-Lewis

If you think this subject will touch others, please do share far and wide.

As always feel free to get in touch with me / us.

With so much love from Ben and I.

Debs - Mummy to An Angel x