Written at 31 weeks pregnant
The most challenging part of the role will be a constant fear of the baby's heartbeat stopping, no matter how much monitoring you have and no matter how well meaning people say 'it will be fine this time'.
Other responsibilities include:
Baby movements:
- Concentrating on movements at every available opportunity and not feeling confident about what is 'normal' for your baby' vs what is over and above 'normal'.
- Enjoying large movements and never wanting them to stop because it’s the only way to know your baby is alive in that moment.
- Occasional bouts of crying when you haven't had a chance to you’re your baby move because of walking, working or after eating.
Hospital visits:
- Bi-weekly growth scans at hospital - once per week from 31 weeks.
- Occasional rushes to the hospital to try to be reassured by a CTG heart monitoring and movement monitoring test (bearing in mind this is only a snapshot of baby's health in time).
- Being prepared for staff to tell you that 'you can't just come in for a CTG whenever you feel like it – because they haven't read your notes or bothered to ask why you're so anxious.
- Being prepared for amazing staff to listen and understand your circumstance and take time for you even if they are busy.
Medication:
- Potentially taking copious amounts of medication and diagnosis of gestational diabetes, meaning a complete change in diet and even more medication (and if using injections, bruising all over your stomach).
Sleep:
- Inability to sleep much of the time, not just because of the usual hip pain but because of repeated traumatising dreams about falling over/ bleeding and your baby dying in the womb – leading to waking up crying and feeling awful all day.
Preparation:
- Putting off any kind of preparation for baby coming home. Not borrowing or buying anything and not bringing anything into the house.
- Being unsure about whether / how to undertake antenatal refresher classes for fear of uncontrollable bouts of crying and the fear of upsetting first time parents if you tell them your story (and you don’t fit in at second timer classes either!).
Labour:
- Fear of labour, not due to usual physical pain, but because of the fear of not being able to cope / crying all the way through, post-traumatic stress - all because of a fear of having the same outcome as last time.
- Well meaning people constantly asking ‘are you having a C-section’ (and perhaps you don’t want a C-section because you have knowledge that you have laboured before, and that the chances are you will recover quickly and it’s best option for you, despite the fear).
- Having a counsellor that supports you to plan to make the birth feel entirely different from your first – down to packing a different birthing outfit, different food, blankets and pillows.
- Creating a birth plan for staff at the hospital that explains your story, why you are unlikely to be able to trust them and explaining that you will ask many questions – but outlining that ‘it’s not personal’.
- Having huge anxiety about which day to be induced between 36 and 37 weeks (having taken advice of consultant) - too early and the baby may not be sufficiently developed (too late and the anxiety and fear will take over and the baby may be born on a day of the week that is to be avoided – i.e. the day of the week that first baby was born.
Other:
- Fear of bringing the baby home after birth - a constant worry of baby dying in their sleep (a normal but heightened fear)
- Re all of the above, constant emotional exhaustion (on top of usual physical exhaustion)
Please apply only as a means to an end.
You will need determination, resilience and support.
